Hey people, sorry I havent posted.. going through a lot of turmoi.

Update: this week I havnt burnt myself & the scars are healin, but I cant seem to straighten my life. This world of quiet numbness will do me.. a tiny escape of no responsibility...

Hope you guys are doing better. I just have little strength..

I had trouble posting tonight...

how does one do an update on nothing, no growth, no solutions, no movement.

The best description I have is lethagy.

Just holing up in my home space

Hoping like hell people will go away, problems dont need solutions, bills wont need to be paid, no one invades my space, myself, I dont have to make decisions, be relied upon. Id just want a rest from the world. Don't ask anything of me, I dont have the answers, I dont even have the energy to consider the questions. Im tired of being to rock everything revolves around. Im so exhausted, by others demands, by my own demands

I dont want it anymore, let me curl up and sleep, let me heal, let me go.

*I hate this remix, but its the best I can come up with, welcome to my life in techno...x

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

Negative Self Talk - What Is It

Ponder the following quote:

“If you had a friend who talked to you like you sometimes talk to yourself, would you continue to hang around with that person?”

~Rob Bremer




Entwined with SH, depression and other mental health issues is negative self talk.

This self-critical voice works by...
Emphasizing past failures.
Ignoring anything good that happens.
Setting impossible standards of perfection.
Assuming others' thoughts about you are negative.
Calling you names.

Negative self-talk is usually a mixture of half-truths, poor logic, and distortions of reality, or an unbalanced focus on a problem, that perpetuates negative emotions, such as pessimism, guilt, fear, anxiety as well as self-sabotaging behaviors. It often occurs when in times of emotional turmoil, or when we are going through stress or a personal transition. For some of us, it has become our daily inner dialogue.

There are many ways to free ourselves from negative self-talk. For some, the best step may be to work with a good therapist or counselor. Others may just need to pay attention to the negative self-talk and use some of the suggestions provided here. Support groups (in person or online) may also be beneficial.

So how do we stop negative self-talk?
Step 1. Become aware of it.
Step 2. Find out where the negative self-talk originated.
Step 3. Acknowledge the pay-offs.
Step 4. Take conscious steps to stop the negative self-talk.

Its these four steps I want to go deeper into in later posts. How do we turn it around? In fact, an astonishing 45,000 – 51,000 thoughts go through our heads on an average day. Many of these thoughts are harmless, such as “I must remember to pick up my clothes at the cleaners” . When you keep repeating the negative messages to yourself, you create a limiting belief that goes on to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So just for this week lets start being aware of what we are saying ...

Depression 101

One of the hardest things in dealing with depression, for me, is guilt. With people who don't understand, family, Dr's. friends. Even friends who 'understand' lose patience.

To make an appointment and keep it, to go to the supermarket, to others is a simple task and when I cant do these things my mind goes into overdrive. I question why I cant do such simple tasks, why I have let people down again.

I avoid phones, the door as it will just be someone wanting more than I can't deliver, conversation, coffee. What others take for normal is so out of my depth with the my mind is fogged.

My sister rang last night (accidentally picked it up), no big deal, good Friday. 'Did i want to go to church then have dinner at hers' No, can't, busy, work, evasions etc....

Next question... 'are you drinking again' (instant frown tone in her voice)

Here leads to self medication.. fancy term for getting drunk or stoned. For trying to balance emotions, depression, voices, doubts, prescribed medication with whatever will shut off your mind. So that becomes the primary concern for everyone. Its easier to deal with addiction than depression. I don't want to let people down, seems to go with the territory though. Then each plays on your mind till it seems insurmountable. My husband, children, friends.....

My husband came, 'Dont do this to the children again' ... more guilt.. Like I have a choice & each barb he so accurately throws keeps me here. My daughter says symathetically, 'just walk the dogs mum' each tiny guilt grows like a heap of bricks.

No one understands how much it takes to just sit in the sun when your so bone achingly tired.

To want to live life but have no idea how to reconnect, to have so many, yet still be alone ...till you lose the will to.

You just want to be left alone...

I have been diagnosed with chronic depression for two years...This spiral took 3 weeks ... I dont know how to get back to reality

Alone

To harm, to hurt oneself, anger, dealing with depression, your so incredibly alone.

You can expain it (and often do), rationalise it, to yourself, to a trusted few, mum, dad, your doctor, counsellor, wife, husband.. a friend maybe

but you feel so incredibly alone...

I find when most isolated, When Im most at risk. How to ask for help when you really dont believe in it, dont believe in yourself.

You know your alone, and cant ask, but it often takes just one to understand and stand by you, often at a time you dont feel worthy of it, is a start, for someone to step in and take the burden from you.

When Someone Who Self-injures Comes To You

What do you do when someone tells you they are self-injuring?

Most just want you to be there to listen, but realize that more often than not, they may share their story gradually. They’ll test the waters, see if they can trust you, but also if they can trust themselves to handle telling the story. Doing so may be difficult, painful, or shameful for them. For some, the anxiety they feel while even speaking about their struggle could trigger the compulsion to self-injure again.

More tips . . .

Listen with compassion and patience, even when your time with them is short

Ask questions that are helpful for them to move forward, not just to satisfy your curiosity

Help them network with others who can be supportive and encouraging

Talk about strategies for when life is tough–different ways to cope and handle disappointments, hurts, anxiety, anger, shame

Also strategize for those intense moments when they want to hurt themselves—options for what to do for fifteen or twenty minutes or until the urge passes

Make sure you end your time with them with some form of encouragement

Pray for them often and for those times you are meeting and talking

One of the questions I’m often asked is, “When do you refer to a professional counselor?” My answer is to always suggest it. Some may not feel they need it because their self-injury isn’t severe or frequent. But when self-injury is a consistent way of coping, when anxiety and other strong emotions are often present, professional counseling is needed. In that case, involve them in the decision and the plans as much as possible. Work with them to get that help they need.

Finally, be willing to learn more about self-injury. One resource is Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal—A Journey Out of Self-Injury. It tells Jackie’s true story and the stories of others, both girls and guys. It is written to the teen or young adult, but also provides background, help, and tips for those who want to come alongside to help.

Posted by jankern on March 28, 2009

Wordless Wednesday

Awakening, my arms ache
Am cut? ...
No burnt...
familiar, hot, seared flesh
seared to my mind
gasping , ragged breathe
and know life

After 10yrs did I drink?
Yes
Smoke? ... will take what you have...
hands clutch the floor
broken glass, spilled wine
Will it calm?
Stop the voices

Your pills, your powder
taste, lick, smell
I breathe them in

combine them
and curl in death?

Do the demons of guilt bite at my feet?
Its ok, they are puppies to me
We are old friends.

Why does self-injury make some people feel better?

There are a few possibilities, and the answer is probably a mixture of them. Biological predisposition, reduction of tension, and lack of experience in dealing with strong emotions are all factors.

It reduces physiological and psychological tension rapidly.
Studies have suggested that when people who self-injure get emotionally overwhelmed, an act of self-harm brings their levels of psychological and physiological tension and arousal back to a bearable baseline level almost immediately. In other words, they feel a strong uncomfortable emotion, don't know how to handle it (indeed, often do not have a name for it), and know that hurting themselves will reduce the emotional discomfort extremely quickly. They may still feel bad (or not), but they don't have that panicky jittery trapped feeling; it's a calm bad feeling.

This explains why self-injury can be so addictive: It works. When you have a quick, easy way to make the bad stuff go away for a while, why would you want to go through the hard work of finding other ways to cope? Eventually, though, the negative consequences add up, and people do seek help.

Some people never get a chance to learn how to cope effectively
We aren't born knowing how to express and cope with our emotions -- we learn from our parents, our siblings, our friends, schoolteachers, -- everyone in our lives. One factor common to most people who self-injure, whether they were abused or not, is invalidation. They were taught at an early age that their interpretations of and feelings about the things around them were bad and wrong. They learned that certain feelings weren't allowed. In abusive homes, they may have been severely punished for expressing certain thoughts and feelings. At the same time, they had no good role models for coping. You can't learn to cope effectively with distress unless you grow up around people who are coping effectively with distress. How could you learn to cook if you'd never seen anyone work in a kitchen?

Although a history of abuse is common among self-injurers, not everyone who self-injures was abused. Sometimes, invalidation and lack of role models for coping are enough, especially if the person's brain chemistry has already primed them for choosing this sort of coping.

Problems with neurotransmitters may play a role
Just as it's suspected that the way the brain uses serotonin may play a role in depression, so scientists think that problems in the serotonin system may predispose some people to self-injury by making them tend to be more aggressive and impulsive than most people. This tendency toward impulsive aggression, combined with a belief that their feelings are bad or wrong, can lead to the aggression being turned on the self. Of course, once this happens, the person harming himself learns that self-injury reduces his level of distress, and the cycle begins. Some researchers theorize that a desire to release endorphins, the body's natural painkillers, is involved.

R

Excuse me if this site becomes a little self indulgent, a little about me, a little about the beautitful people I have met. Not all self harmers, but most who were troubled and all who made an impression on me & it may help me process my feeling of loss
..., luv Abz