No matter how you look at it, self-harm scares people. It is very hard coming to terms with the fact that someone you care about is physically harming themselves. From the depths of your own fear and helplessness you may feel frustrated if you are unable to get the person to stop hurting themselves which can further drive the person away.
Some helpful tips in dealing with someone who self-injures
* Understand that self-harming behavior is an attempt to maintain a certain amount of control which in and of itself is a way of self-soothing. Think of it as a way to relieve pain rather than inflict it.
* Tough as it may seem, this isn't about you and how you feel (save that for your own therapy) its about the friend or family member who is hurting. Statements such as 'look at what you are doing to your mother, father, brother' etc are useless and damaging. You cant make a SH'er feel more guilty than they already do.
* Let the person know that you care about them and are available to listen ... then Listen, Listen, Listen, ... don't fill the gaps with meaningless chatter (usually as you are uncomfortable with what you are hearing) often silence and a hand held says more than words.
* Encourage expressions of emotions including anger, sadness.
* Spend time doing enjoyable activities together, its not all about the act of SH, just being there for someone is supportive (distraction)
* Offer to help them find a therapist or support group.
* Don’t make judgmental comments or tell the person to stop the self-harming behavior – it's not a priority. Finding other ways of relieving distress and in due course working on the underlying reasons is whats needed. People who feel worthless and powerless are even more likely to self-injure.
* The person needs support and not punishment or threats of abandonment unless they stop the behaviour.
* Focus on the persons strengths & positives always. Don't minimise what they are saying, 'oh you'll be fine.' etc.
* If your child is self-injuring, prepare yourself to address the difficulties in your family. Start with expressing feelings which is a common factor in self-injury – this is not about blame, but rather about learning new ways of dealing with family interactions and communications which can help the entire family
* Don't disempower the person by trying to take decisions out of their hands and making choices for them. Help them to explore options but don't take over.
* Don't minimise why they are hurting or what triggered them and focus on the SH, they need to be heard and not judged.
These points are for using if a someone near has disclosed that they self harm or you may bring it up if you see there scars, bandage etc. Chances are if you can ('normally' they may be hidden by clothing etc.) But if you can see them, ask they may respond. A simple statement of 'I'd like to understand' is often enough. Again I can't emphasis a non-judgemental approach. If you choose to do this be aware of your own feelings & body language.
In this there is no 'right' way but there are ways to minimise the distress to you or the person who SH. I hope these points help. If you have others that you know of please leave a comment. Each little piece helps.
[taken in part from Help Guide.Org]
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