Ben said...
To be 100% honest, my reason for beginning to burn (which progressed to cutting) wasn't what I've read about on most "help" sites. The reason I started was because I wanted to actually feel pain for the first time and be able to control it. It doesn't bring out a sense of enjoyment like the average family man would have while spending time with his family, but it makes me feel good as I do it and after I do it.
I don't want to sound like someone who is overly compulsive about hurting themselves because that is not the case. I started about a month ago and I think about doing it everyday with two knives and a set of matches sitting on my desk. I'm not sure if I want to stop because I'm not sure if it is a huge problem or not, but I do feel differently about my self-esteem since I started.
The more I burn the more I feel that I am isolating myself. I planned on trying to start a relationship with someone that I know but as i started my self-image shot so far into the toilet that I basically pushed her away and then felt lonely and at a total loss of confidence that she isn't talking to me much anymore. Again, to be completely honest, I'm not even sure why I'm leaving a comment on this site that I found within the last 5 minutes.
Well to get to the point, I'm not sure if I should stop or not because it does 2 things for me: 1. it makes me feel fearless (to a lesser extent) and 2. it is (i think) making me isolate myself from everyone around me. Diagnosed as clinically depressed over a year ago, I have even failed to show, or even talk to my shrink about these things. I'm unsure if what I'm feeling is something that everyone goes through and although my issues don't seem as hard to deal with as some others who has had the courage to share but I do feel it is worth either seeking help for or being told that my reason for burning/cutting is sufficient and that this phase will end soon enough.
There is more to my story if you are interested because I would love to talk to someone who is interested in an unconcerned (parent-like) way.
My email is bensjamin_@hotmail.com
November 30, 2007
November 30, 2007
Image:Alone by ~bluedicius
2 comments:
Ben, your right,I'm not a 'help' site, Iam just an average woman trying to understand.
I found it interesting that u say one of the feelings you talked of at first is that its isolating. That you passed on a relationship(and this made you feel lonely and a loss of confidence)
...but isolating and fearlessness you also see as two reason to keep this mechanism of coping.
Why cant you talk to your shrink?...is it a trust thing..If it is I would advise you to shop around and find someone you trust. Try not to compare your situation with others, you are unique and special. I agree that it is definitly worth seeking help and getting another opinion, if only for your own peace of mind..
I didnt original post about burning as most people only know of cutting...so thankyou for highlighting that for me..
feel free to email me anytime ben and thanks for your input and honesty....x
[Nov 30, soo7]
Ben I admire your integrity in welcoming conversations with others.
Isolation is such a powerful influence over our lives and sometimes it is actually easier to stay there, despite the negative results it can bring.
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