Dynamics Of Shame & Guilt

Yesterdays Readers Story included the fact that shame was one of his major reasons for hiding that he self harms and I agree this can be a a hurdle for us not speaking out and asking for help. So I thought I would explore just what shame is in this post.

Shame is the feeling of being unworthy, inadequate, or defective, expressed in the belief that: "There's something wrong with me." It is a feeling of remorse about one’s worth as a person. The self, more than one's behavior, becomes the target of attack.

Guilt is a feeling of regret about what one has done or not done that hurt someone. Guilt is the uncomfortable or painful feeling that results from doing something that violates or breaks a personal standard or value, or from hurting another person, or even from breaking an agreement or a law. Guilt thus concerns one's behavior, feeling bad about what one has done, or about what one didn't do that one was supposed to have done.

As John Bradshaw says, "When I feel guilt, I feel that I have made a mistake, and when I feel shame, I feel that I am a mistake."

Shame or low self-esteem plays a major role in stifling the 'inner self' or 'true self'. Shame is both a feeling or emotion, and an experience that happens to the total self.

We all experience shame. Shame is universal to being human. If we do not work through it and then let go of it, shame tends to accumulate and burden us, until we even become its victim.

In addition to feeling defective or inadequate, shame makes us believe that others can see through us, through our facade, into our defectiveness. Shame feels hopeless: that no matter what we do, we cannot correct it. We feel isolated and lonely with our shame.

Shame, is the only emotion that attacks the self by making one believe that one is inherently defective and unlovable. This crippling emotion destroys self-confidence and prevents one from achieving or enjoying success. When shame pervades one’s day-to-day existence, one is torn between one’s need to empower and the need to preserve one’s relationships.

Shame is a learned emotional reaction to an actual or perceived attack on the worth of an individual

• Dealing with shame involves:




• Recognizing the aspects of the self that were shamed.




• Figuring out rationally and logically if there is any validity to those comments or beliefs.




• Recognizing the effect of that experience.




• Feeling the anger, sadness, hurt and pain.




• Letting go of the past feelings and beliefs.

Overcoming the paralyzing effects of shame that keeps one limited starts with developing an awareness of how and what one believes about one's self, then questioning and exploring that belief with logical, realistic and rational thinking.

[taken in part from © Uzma Mazhar 1999]