Wordless Wednesday

Self Destruction by Love Me Dont

Mind Maps

This mind map shows the link between self harm and various emotions.

• taken from 'Shoot For The Moon'

Living On Their Edge

“I really want it all to just be over…all the torture and pain I feel right now I want to just leave behind and never think about again. But I can’t, I’m trapped inside myself and I’ve got no choice but to endure…to cry alone every night with no other shoulder to lean on and nobody to wipe away my tears. I’m screaming inside with the fear that I won’t make it through tomorrow…*SLASH* *SLASH*…ohhhhh. Physical pain over this emotional torture any day of the week for me. In a way I almost feel like Jesus watching myself bleed, the wounds and sorrow I’ve built up streaming down my arms and legs. I feel ALIVE…confirmed! ..........

..........For some reason, society is shocked and often disgusted when presented to an individual with these extreme feelings of shame, low self-worth, and anxiety. The response that follows this shock is a desire to quickly categorize and socially compartmentalize the individual. In order to avoid dealing with the issue of self-injury in our society, we have made attempts to justify the issue by citing probability and genetics as root causes of the problem. In a sample of billions of people, there are bound to be a few screw-ups right? Unfortunately this ridiculous attempt at rationalization is extremely impersonal and ends up creating a shroud of disgust and shame that suffocates the issue of self-injury in our society. "

So begins an 8 page essay available here [pdf]

written by Jimmy

Let me know what you think of it, it is long but I definitely thought it worth the read ...

Friday Reader's Story

Instead of Fridays Reader's story I have posted Lynse story from her blog, she hopes others relate.

To most the thought of harming yourself would be so outlandish that you would look at me like I was crazy if I told you that it makes sense to me.

I am choosing to write about this because there is such a need around this generation to bring light and truth to the fact that a lot of this generation is stuck in the rut of Self Injury. It is a painful place to be and takes a lot to get past. It is a dark place to get stuck. And as statistics are showing there are a lot of people stuck there.

So I want to share my story……

I started “cutting” when I was 13. I don't fully remember how I was introduced to it, but within a few days had taken root in my life. The pain that was so deep inside of me was killing me. I was allowing myself to die emotionally. It was a fight that I didn't want to take place but had no idea of how to stop it. It seemed meaningless to fight to keep them alive when i viewed them as the things that were causing me so much pain.

So my only solution to make sure that I was not dying totally was to hurt myself. To feel the pain on the outside assured me that i was still alive. That there was still hope. At least that it how it all started. It started out of my desire for hope. For some feeling to let me know that I was alive. That I could still feel something. That one day maybe I would feel again.

Soon it became an addiction. I had my way of doing it. I had my “ritual.” The when and how. within 2 months it had moved past the need for hope. My body and mind were addicted to the feeling. To the release that it gave me. My rage towards myself and other people had grown so much that I didnt know how to release it. And I thought this was a good way.

As time went on whether I had a bad day or not I had to cut. I had to do it each night before I went to bed. It calmed me enough to rest and go to sleep. (and about addiction, still to this day if I experience intense pain I get tired because my mind was trained to go to sleep after pain.)

I share this because I know that there are people who are in this rut. And honestly, it breaks my heart. Because being on the other side of this “journey” for hope I have found that the only hope that there is is in Christ. I know, i sound super spiritual….but it is true.

The only way that i could figure that out was to get to the darkest part of my life. I was in such darkness. I had been cutting for 4 years and no one knew. I had a secret. And it was a dark dark place to be in, full of pain and the desire to get caught in hope that someone could help me. I was tired of the darkness. And the only solution i knew was to come clean. To get someone in my head and share the journey with.

This was key for me. To let someone in and know the pains and the hurts. I knew that if I let this remain in the darkness it would grow bigger and bigger and the thing that once started in the search for hope was driving me further and further away from it.

The person I went to had no idea what to say. She often looked at me dumbfounded. the thought of doing that to herself was so absurd that she couldnt understand, but she listened. She was determined to help me in any ways she could, even though she didnt understand.

You cant wait until you understand to help someone. And this is what I see happening. So many people know people who self injure and are trying to learn why they do it. Each person has their story. And if you ask, I am sure they will share. It is a very dangerous thing to get into. You may not realize the roots that it can create in your life. But I would encourage you to share your story with someone.

But without sounding like a public service announcement, if you self injure or know someone who does please please please let someone in. Let someone into your darkness. It will hurt at first. It will be uncomfortable. It will be embarrassing. But if you live in the darkness alone your life will never change. Let someone in and bring the light into your pain.

Find your hope.

This is a post by Lynes and she has given permission for others to post it, to raise awareness and promote understanding of self harm. I personally thank her for sharing her story and the compassion she shows for others healin.... Abz

*In no way does Random endorse Christianity or any other form of religion

Self Injury Is Functional?

"We must understand that in the trauma survivor, self injury is functional. It always performs some deep, underlying function. Most generally, it’s an attempt to ward off worse harm."– David Calof

Tonight when I read this quote it was the first that resonated for me personally. I suffered a trauma at 11 and left for dead. After the hospitalisation & police investigations ended, my parents solution was to move us from the city & it was not to be spoken of again . Life was good, new home, school, family, horse and dog.

At 13-14 I remember I was in an out of control rage, against myself, family anyone near me. I was destructive, violent, smashing things, threatening others, running away being returned. I began carrying a knife (I still have that habit to this day) I liked that people feared me but I was also frightened of what I was capeable of. I had no way to control what I was feeling ,this rage, let alone understand it. It was raw & pure. I still don't know what triggered it. It alienated my father, who hasnt spoken to me to this day & confused my brothers who loved me.

My parents and the system inflicted school counsellors, psychiatrists, hospitalisations for violence and failed suicides. However I learnt that hurting myself stopped that anger, lessened it, dulled it. It stopped me reacting instantly (if that makes sense) .... It stopped the outward, out of control rage, it stopped me hurting others ...

Until I read that quote I never thought of it as functional or an attempt to ward of greater harm but in reflection thats what it was. At the time I thought I was the only one that was aware. Like the initial trauma, it was something that became not spoken of, secret, shameful. Counsellors all liked the change in me, (I stopped being emotionally honest and faked calm) they and my parents each patted themselves on the back and happily wrote me off as cured. My self destructive life had begun.

It occured to me tonight that after being hurt at 11, I then spent over 20 years hurting myself ... what an incredible price to pay...

ps... the quote is from Cavalcade has specialized in producing training videos for therapists and other professionals working with clients who have a history of psychological trauma.

Wordless Wednesday - Secrecy

Image:Self-harm by ~JaffaCakeLover