Mind Maps

This mind map shows the link between self harm and various emotions.

• taken from 'Shoot For The Moon'

Living On Their Edge

“I really want it all to just be over…all the torture and pain I feel right now I want to just leave behind and never think about again. But I can’t, I’m trapped inside myself and I’ve got no choice but to endure…to cry alone every night with no other shoulder to lean on and nobody to wipe away my tears. I’m screaming inside with the fear that I won’t make it through tomorrow…*SLASH* *SLASH*…ohhhhh. Physical pain over this emotional torture any day of the week for me. In a way I almost feel like Jesus watching myself bleed, the wounds and sorrow I’ve built up streaming down my arms and legs. I feel ALIVE…confirmed! ..........

..........For some reason, society is shocked and often disgusted when presented to an individual with these extreme feelings of shame, low self-worth, and anxiety. The response that follows this shock is a desire to quickly categorize and socially compartmentalize the individual. In order to avoid dealing with the issue of self-injury in our society, we have made attempts to justify the issue by citing probability and genetics as root causes of the problem. In a sample of billions of people, there are bound to be a few screw-ups right? Unfortunately this ridiculous attempt at rationalization is extremely impersonal and ends up creating a shroud of disgust and shame that suffocates the issue of self-injury in our society. "

So begins an 8 page essay available here [pdf]

written by Jimmy

Let me know what you think of it, it is long but I definitely thought it worth the read ...

Dynamics Of Shame & Guilt

Yesterdays Readers Story included the fact that shame was one of his major reasons for hiding that he self harms and I agree this can be a a hurdle for us not speaking out and asking for help. So I thought I would explore just what shame is in this post.

Shame is the feeling of being unworthy, inadequate, or defective, expressed in the belief that: "There's something wrong with me." It is a feeling of remorse about one’s worth as a person. The self, more than one's behavior, becomes the target of attack.

Guilt is a feeling of regret about what one has done or not done that hurt someone. Guilt is the uncomfortable or painful feeling that results from doing something that violates or breaks a personal standard or value, or from hurting another person, or even from breaking an agreement or a law. Guilt thus concerns one's behavior, feeling bad about what one has done, or about what one didn't do that one was supposed to have done.

As John Bradshaw says, "When I feel guilt, I feel that I have made a mistake, and when I feel shame, I feel that I am a mistake."

Shame or low self-esteem plays a major role in stifling the 'inner self' or 'true self'. Shame is both a feeling or emotion, and an experience that happens to the total self.

We all experience shame. Shame is universal to being human. If we do not work through it and then let go of it, shame tends to accumulate and burden us, until we even become its victim.

In addition to feeling defective or inadequate, shame makes us believe that others can see through us, through our facade, into our defectiveness. Shame feels hopeless: that no matter what we do, we cannot correct it. We feel isolated and lonely with our shame.

Shame, is the only emotion that attacks the self by making one believe that one is inherently defective and unlovable. This crippling emotion destroys self-confidence and prevents one from achieving or enjoying success. When shame pervades one’s day-to-day existence, one is torn between one’s need to empower and the need to preserve one’s relationships.

Shame is a learned emotional reaction to an actual or perceived attack on the worth of an individual

• Dealing with shame involves:




• Recognizing the aspects of the self that were shamed.




• Figuring out rationally and logically if there is any validity to those comments or beliefs.




• Recognizing the effect of that experience.




• Feeling the anger, sadness, hurt and pain.




• Letting go of the past feelings and beliefs.

Overcoming the paralyzing effects of shame that keeps one limited starts with developing an awareness of how and what one believes about one's self, then questioning and exploring that belief with logical, realistic and rational thinking.

[taken in part from © Uzma Mazhar 1999]

Self Injury Is Functional?

"We must understand that in the trauma survivor, self injury is functional. It always performs some deep, underlying function. Most generally, it’s an attempt to ward off worse harm."– David Calof

Tonight when I read this quote it was the first that resonated for me personally. I suffered a trauma at 11 and left for dead. After the hospitalisation & police investigations ended, my parents solution was to move us from the city & it was not to be spoken of again . Life was good, new home, school, family, horse and dog.

At 13-14 I remember I was in an out of control rage, against myself, family anyone near me. I was destructive, violent, smashing things, threatening others, running away being returned. I began carrying a knife (I still have that habit to this day) I liked that people feared me but I was also frightened of what I was capeable of. I had no way to control what I was feeling ,this rage, let alone understand it. It was raw & pure. I still don't know what triggered it. It alienated my father, who hasnt spoken to me to this day & confused my brothers who loved me.

My parents and the system inflicted school counsellors, psychiatrists, hospitalisations for violence and failed suicides. However I learnt that hurting myself stopped that anger, lessened it, dulled it. It stopped me reacting instantly (if that makes sense) .... It stopped the outward, out of control rage, it stopped me hurting others ...

Until I read that quote I never thought of it as functional or an attempt to ward of greater harm but in reflection thats what it was. At the time I thought I was the only one that was aware. Like the initial trauma, it was something that became not spoken of, secret, shameful. Counsellors all liked the change in me, (I stopped being emotionally honest and faked calm) they and my parents each patted themselves on the back and happily wrote me off as cured. My self destructive life had begun.

It occured to me tonight that after being hurt at 11, I then spent over 20 years hurting myself ... what an incredible price to pay...

ps... the quote is from Cavalcade has specialized in producing training videos for therapists and other professionals working with clients who have a history of psychological trauma.

Friday Reader's Story ...

Anonymous said...

I am a 29 year old male. A cutter since 13 Years old. The thought that this is a girls problem is false. One aspect of cutters is that they hide it. Boys and men more often will hide this sometimes for life, the reason is shame based. I am trying to stop at this point. This is a real problem for compulsive people like myself. The last time I cut mixed with extreme emotion and alcohol I woke up with 60 stitches in the psych ward. Thanks for the time ...

[Written: November 22, 2007]

Friday Reader's Story ...

Gayle said...

From the time I was eleven years old til I was seventeen, I would cut myself. a lot. Sometimes it would be once or twice a week. other times when I couldn't handle the stress, it was everyday. It's been eight months since the last time I last inflicted harm on myself by means of cutting/burning.

The main reason is my best friend. It was a particularly horrible day. I was cooped up feeling sorry for myself and taking a negative action. I had taken about ten of my sleeping pills and had completely ripped up my arms with a steak knife. I needed to talk to my best friend just one last time. I remember it was taking everything I had to keep the phone up. She didn't answer her phone & when the voicemail picked up I was crying so hard. I don't think anyone could understand it. I kept saying. "I'm sorry Lizzie I don't know what I did. I'll miss you. I love you Lizzie. please forgive me."

I passed out, the next thing I remember, I woke up in the hospital strapped to a gurney. I was in shock. A few days later on my 17th birthday, I was sent to the state hospital. for therapy. I was there for nearly five months. near the end of my treatment, Lizzie had written a letter to my counselor stating that she kept the voicemail, and that I needed to listen to it..To see how it affected her. My counselor added into my therapy, for me to listen to the voicemail and write a letter to Lizzie telling her how I reacted upon hearing it. It completely tore me up when I heard what I put her through. I couldn't believe I would put that burden on Lizzie. I'm ashamed for what Ive done to my friends and family for being so selfish and stupid.

It's been a few months since I've got home, and I'm proud to say I've stayed smart in my choices. when I need help, I use my coping skills.[music.drawing.poetry.dancing] and if need be, I call my old counselor. I don't wish what I've gone through on any person or their families.

I had intended to keep my story to myself, but I guess something about your post made me feel like it was safe for me to share a small part of how I needed/got help. my piece of mind. Thank you for listening [reading] my story..x.

Gayle.x.

soo foo, so dak. <3>

Written: November 4, 2007