It has been a couple of months since I wrote about my teen daughter’s cutting, and what it was like to be a parent surviving through self-injury. Now I see parents arrive here at MereWisdom.org from time to time with searches that break my heart - for I typed so many of the same things trying to find answers. For these visitors, I offer the following wisdom gained from making a million mistakes in responding to my daughter’s self harm.

For those looking for people who are getting through this, I would point you to my daughter’s site where she wrote to share some of her story of Survival of a Self Injurer. Worthy of note and celebration in this is that she now has nine months free of self-injury, one day at a time.

Caring for Myself and Family

1 - There is nothing I can do to save her or protect her completely - The belief that if I just try harder to protect her, to limit her choices, and keep her safe to get her through this without being able to harm herself further is, in the end, a lie. I had to accept my powerlessness to stop her from harming herself before I could stop dying inside from whether she has or has not self-injured today. It’s her behavior and only she can make different choices.

2 - I did not cause it - I struggled with my own guilt for a long time. A long, long time of second guessing myself, thinking that my own faults and failures ends up, really, only another form of the false beliefs in item one, above.

3 - Her Self-Injury is not the most important thing in my life - She is more important to me than what she does. My son is equally important to me, and can’t be ignored because of constant crises in her life. Self-injury can pull a family out of a normal orbit into a tight orbit only around the self injury. This reinforces the self-injury from my experience, and it harms everyone else now out of orbit.

4 - I needed help for myself and my family and not just my daughter - It’s her behavior, but it affects all of us. More importantly as the family increasingly becomes centered on the self-injury, the more the family systems break down and require conscious rebuilding. Normal systems and family behavior that act as balancing forces for our children and ourselves become reinforcing factors for out of control behavior instead. And as we broke down, it was invisible to us. Outside help is critical.

5 - Learn to live in Daytight Compartments - The notion of “One Day at a Time” is almost a cliche in dealing with these situations, but there is some truth to the idea that just for today I can endure and do the things that I could never do for the rest of my life. For me, the idea of daytight compartments, like watertight compartments on a ship, helped me get through tough times.

Responding to Self Injury

6 - Talk about it - One of the things I did right in this was insist from day one that we would not act ashamed about it and talk freely about self-injury. It is always ok to ask if injuries need immediate treatment, for example. It’s ok to talk about feelings - from my feelings about specific events to her feelings before or after cutting. It’s also ok to talk about other things besides self-injury - there is a whole life taking place at the same time.

7 - Set Boundaries on Behavior - I mentioned above that trying to control her behavior stems from a false belief that somehow I can do it for her. This is one of the broken systems that reinforces negative behavior, rather than balancing or opposing it. Natural consequences are much better. One of the first consequences we had was that all cuts had to be examined by a medical professional within 24 hours.

8 - Build a Team - My daughter’s recovery team became her school nurse, her family doctor, her psychologist and later a psychiatrist. Each of them got a copy of the Bill of Rights for People Who Self-Harm and it made a very real difference in the level of care she received.

9 - Stay the Parent - My daughter at one point was using her self-injury as a point of leverage to take control of the family. She would threaten to cut herself to get herself out of situations, and these tools helped get us past that point. She would threaten, and I would respond that I can’t stop her if she chooses self-injury but then medical care is required, and if self-injury was a part of any behavior contract, then those consequences would happen as well.

10 - Love her enough to respect her decisions - This is the hardest one, and a recent bit of learned wisdom. I think this is because the same need I have to protect her from harm is also in play to keep her from harm by way of her consequences of her actions. This is still an ongoing struggle for me as it is a great theory until I see behavior that is likely to cause problems for yars to come or legal issues and so on. In our case, it meant loving her enough to respect decisions even when the consequences included not living at home for a while, hospitalization, school settings that took her away from music, and so on.

Brilliant post written by James at Mere Wisdom, I thoughly recommend his site

Alone

To harm, to hurt oneself, anger, dealing with depression, your so incredibly alone.

You can expain it (and often do), rationalise it, to yourself, to a trusted few, mum, dad, your doctor, counsellor, wife, husband.. a friend maybe

but you feel so incredibly alone...

I find when most isolated, When Im most at risk. How to ask for help when you really dont believe in it, dont believe in yourself.

You know your alone, and cant ask, but it often takes just one to understand and stand by you, often at a time you dont feel worthy of it, is a start, for someone to step in and take the burden from you.

When Someone Who Self-injures Comes To You

What do you do when someone tells you they are self-injuring?

Most just want you to be there to listen, but realize that more often than not, they may share their story gradually. They’ll test the waters, see if they can trust you, but also if they can trust themselves to handle telling the story. Doing so may be difficult, painful, or shameful for them. For some, the anxiety they feel while even speaking about their struggle could trigger the compulsion to self-injure again.

More tips . . .

Listen with compassion and patience, even when your time with them is short

Ask questions that are helpful for them to move forward, not just to satisfy your curiosity

Help them network with others who can be supportive and encouraging

Talk about strategies for when life is tough–different ways to cope and handle disappointments, hurts, anxiety, anger, shame

Also strategize for those intense moments when they want to hurt themselves—options for what to do for fifteen or twenty minutes or until the urge passes

Make sure you end your time with them with some form of encouragement

Pray for them often and for those times you are meeting and talking

One of the questions I’m often asked is, “When do you refer to a professional counselor?” My answer is to always suggest it. Some may not feel they need it because their self-injury isn’t severe or frequent. But when self-injury is a consistent way of coping, when anxiety and other strong emotions are often present, professional counseling is needed. In that case, involve them in the decision and the plans as much as possible. Work with them to get that help they need.

Finally, be willing to learn more about self-injury. One resource is Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal—A Journey Out of Self-Injury. It tells Jackie’s true story and the stories of others, both girls and guys. It is written to the teen or young adult, but also provides background, help, and tips for those who want to come alongside to help.

Posted by jankern on March 28, 2009

The Uncomfortable Reality of Self-Injury

October 19th, 2008

By Rachel Keranen

Angelina Jolie did it—so did Johnny Depp and Princess Diana. According to recent research studies, between 10-20 percent of college students do it too. Self-injury is an increasing phenomenon in today’s young adult culture, but it’s often misunderstood.

According to the Mayo Clinic, the majority of those who self-injure are adolescents. Risk factors include depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse disorders, eating disorders, and other mental health conditions. Victims of childhood trauma are especially likely to self-injure—those haunted by neglect or abuse often have an impaired ability to control their emotions and behavior.

A common misperception of self-injury is that those who commit it are suicidal. In reality, those who harm themselves are usually not trying to kill themselves, but instead trying to hold their lives together. Everyone has coping mechanisms to let out feelings of hurt, anger, and frustration: some go for a run, some write in their journal, and some throw a temper tantrum. Others, in silent secrecy, choose to take a blade to their skin. The sight of blood swirling down the drain can be as therapeutic to a cutter as a deep tissue massage; and the phrase, “it hurts so good” takes on a new, much more disturbing meaning.

There are many reasons that those who self-injure choose to hurt themselves. In her book A Bright Red Scream, Marilyn Strong writes that self-injury often occurs when the perpetrator feels abandoned or alone. The feelings build until they are unmanageable, and then the act is committed and dissociation is attained. Dissociation is commonly described as a feeling of numbness, a sensation of separation from one’s body. Unable to cope with the chaotic emotions they are experiencing, self-injurers use dissociation to distance themselves from the pain of reality.

A completely opposite motive for self-injury is the feeling of life it brings. Some who cut themselves report that the sight and sensation of bleeding is the only way to prove that they are still alive. For those who are depressed, the pulsating red release can be the sole sign of life in an otherwise gray existence. Some cutters feel that the blood is a symbol of the negative feelings or impurities inside their bodies. By cutting, they are letting the bad blood escape. This idea echoes the historical method of using leeches and bloodletting to cure ailments: once the evil has been evicted, the body can be pure and healthy.

Self-injury can also grant a feeling of power or control. People who have had many of their freedoms and choices taken away turn to the one thing they can control—their bodies. It is interesting, though not surprising, that many women who suffer from eating disorders also self-injure. Both disorders can stem from the need to maintain whatever control they can in a world of perceived powerlessness. In a study published in the American Journal of Psychiatry by Drs. Winchel and Stanley, 35 percent of anorexics and 39 percent of bulimics reported self-injuring.

In the end, self-injury can be a cry for help. While most self-injurer hide their wounds, some are also hoping that someone notices their silent suffrage. Scars, usually on the arms, legs, and torso, may casually flicker in and out of sight. Unable to express emotion in conventional ways, some resort to their bodies as their medium of communication.

The scars left from self-injury can be viewed as burdens or battle wounds. Some self-injurers try to erase their scars with creams or surgical procedures so they can forget their bloody past. Others view their scars as life markers too important to disregard.

While cutting is one of the most well known modes of self-injury, numerous others exist. Other methods include carving, burning, hitting, pulling out hair, biting, and many more. According to the Mayo Clinic, scars, injuries, bruises, frequent “accidents”, the constant carrying of sharp objects (knives and razors, but also paper clips, pins, or pieces of jagged metal), and wearing long sleeves and pants even in hot weather are signs of self-injury.

If someone reveals that they self-injure, or have done so in the past, it’s important to remain supportive. If they are willing to talk, be willing to listen without judgment. Self-injury is unsettlingly common –it occurs in somewhere between 1 in 10 and 1 in 5 college students, and some studies suggest it’s even more frequent than that. By increasing awareness and understanding of the phenomenon, society can give a voice to those who carry silvery secrets and facilitate outward expression rather than inward aggression.

[taken from The Wake]

University of Minnesota Student Magazine

Im A Cutter

ImACutter.com is a brand new non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for those struggling with self-injury, cutting, addition, and suicide.


“See they label me a cutter,
but it stables me enough that,
I can make it through the cludder,
but it aint about the cuttin,
its just something about the rush and all the rage involved,
until all the hate is gone the pains resolved,
to waken all the neighbors cuz im bangin on the walls,
all the hatred and entertainment for this nation at war,
i see this world its so much wrong,
ask me why and ill show you why theres no such god, My arm!”
- Mint from Steppin Stone

The poem is from the new website. I've only had a little look around but they seem to have some good information. The only issue I had was that I couldnt access the Forum, but as they are new it may be just a glitch.

(Some) True Confessions of a Self Harmer

Overcoming the urge to self-inflict has been one of the hardest things I have had to deal with through this tumultuous time suffering from depression.As I said above, IT IS AN ADDICTION. Pure and simple!

And anyone who has tried giving up smoking or gambling or Lindt or badgers will know that overcoming addiction is fucking hard! Not only because of the pure level of addiction, but also because it means having to face up to whatever problem is feeding that addiction in the first place. Whatever buried pain is making us smoke, drink or gamble needs to be faced up to. In essence, we need to become whip-wielding dominatrixies in order to tame and eventually command our problems.

To overcome self-harm we, like with every form of mental illness, we need to start talking about it in order to understand it, in order to help people overcome and control their addiction.

So how can you help? If you know someone who self-harms here are a few pointers:
- Whatever they’re doing DON”T take it personally. It isn’t about YOU!

- Be available and LISTEN to them if they need to talk.

- ACKNOWLEDGE their pain, it won’t make it go away, but it will make it more bearable.

- DON’T avoid the subject or pretend it’s not there.

- ASK THEM “I know you hurt yourself and I would like to understand it a little more, could you maybe explain why you do it? I’d be grateful if you could.”

- DON’T confiscate their “tools” (because I guarantee you this will lose their trust and they will just get more creative anyway)

- BELIEVE in them and BE HOPEFUL

- DON’T push them

- TAKE the initiative and distract them; take them to the cinema, rent a DVD, bake some chocolate brownies, go to a trivia night, go for a walk, have a playful pillow or water pistol fight, hell, if they’re your bf or gf, do a seductive strip tease and get them thinking about that cute butt of yours.

- DO spontaneous acts of kindness

- Be available, and willing, to LISTEN if they need to talk.

- EDUCATE yourself

– slip on your Willow hat and hop on the net for some research.

- SUPPORT them physically; call them up and tell them you’re worried about them and invite them over for a game of scrabble or a blueberry muffin.

- SUPPORT them emotionally; go to the Doctor/Psychologist with them.And please, please…whatever you do…

- DO NOT TRY TO MAKE/ORDER THEM TO STOP!!!!!!!!!

If you make them feel guilty, or punish them in any way, this will just add fuel to their addiction.
And please, please, please, please…whatever you do…remember to…

- Take TIME OUT and recuperate, caring/loving someone who suffers from any form of mental illness is exhausting and you need to look after yourself.

Although it’s confronting, brutal and painful to think that people you care about are inflicting this pain on themselves remember that to them it is merely an addiction. A symptom of a larger, possibly unknown illness or condition, and they just need some help and support in order to get them through it.

As we’ve all experienced from time to time: the over-riding feeling of loneliness and emptiness is a powerful influence. It’s time to stop judging people who self harm, and start understanding what they are feeling; it’s the only way to understand their pain.

by Addy


[Eliminate The Stigma]

Help For Family Or Friends

Be supportive without reinforcing the behavior.

It's important that your friend, lover, child, sibling know that you can separate who they are from what they do, and that you love them independently of whether they self-injure. Be available as much as you can be. Set aside your personal feelings of fear or revulsion about the behavior and focus on what's going on with the person.

Some good ways of showing support include:

• Don't avoid the subject of self-injury. Let it be known that you're willing to talk, and then follow the other person's lead. Tell the person that if you don't bring the subject up, it's because you're respecting their space, not because of aversion.

• Make the initial approach. "I know that sometimes you hurt yourself and I'd like to understand it. People do it for so many reasons; if you could help me understand yours, I'd be grateful." Don't push it after that; if the person says they'd rather not talk about it, accept this gracefully and drop the subject, perhaps reminding them that you're willing to listen if they ever do want to talk about it.

• Be available. You can't be supportive of someone if you can't be reached.

• Set reasonable limits. "I cannot handle talking to you while you are actually cutting yourself because I care about you greatly and it hurts too much to see you doing that" is a reasonable statement, for example. "I will stop loving you if you cut yourself" isn't reasonable if your goal is to keep the relationship intact.

• Make it clear from your behavior that the person doesn't need to self-injure in order to get displays of love and caring from you. Be free with loving, caring gestures, even if they aren't returned always (or even often). Don't withdraw your love from the person. The way to avoid reinforcing SIV is to be consistently caring, so that taking care of the person after they injure is nothing special or extraordinary.

• Provide distractions if necessary. Sometimes just being distracted (taken to a movie, on a walk, out for ice cream; talked to about things that have nothing to do with self-injury) can work wonders. If someone you care about is feeling depressed, you can sometimes help by bringing something pleasant and diverting into their lives. This doesn't mean that you should ignore their feelings; you can acknowledge that they feel lousy and still do something nice and distracting. (This is NOT the same as trying to cajole them out of a mood or telling them to just get over it -- it's an attempt to break a negative cycle by injecting something positive. It could be as simple as bringing the person a flower. Don't expect your efforts to be a permanent cure, though; this is a simple improve-the-moment technique.)

• If you live apart from the person you're concerned about, offer physical safe space: "I'm worried about you; would you come sleep over at my house tonight?" Even if the offer is declined, just knowing it's there can be comforting.

• Don't ask "Is there anything I can do?" Find things that you can do and ask "Can I ?" People who feel really bad often can't think of anything that might make them feel better; asking if you can take them to a movie or wash those (month-old) dishes (if done nonjudgmentally) can be really helpful. Spontaneous acts of kindness ("I saw this flower at the store and knew you'd love to have it") work wonders.

[Read More]

Fridays Readers Story

Tasha + Kay said...

Hello..
We Are Natasha + Kayleigh
We Have Both Had Very Bad Life Experiences And People Seam To Class Us As Emos..Like People Who Slit Their Wrists And Consantly Go On About How Hard Life Is Which Is Total Shit!

Natasha..
1.When I First Moved House I Started To Get Abused By A Family Member.
I Never Told My Parents Because I Felt Lonly, Guilty + Used.
But Thats Life.

2.The Reason Being That I Couldnt Tell My Parents Is Because When Thought The Time Was Right It Was Really The Worst Time Of All.
My Mum Had Cancer And On Her Recovery The Disk In Bottom Of Her Back Slipped.
If You Are A Doctor You Will Know How Bad It Is.
She Was On Omophine(Substitute To Heroine) Every 4 Hours Which Made Her Very Sleepy + Even More Ill.

3.It Was Bad Enough Knowing That My Farther Cheated On My Mum A Number Of Times And Gave Her A STD.
But Knowing That The Corse Of My Mums Back Was Because He Beat Her All The Time Made Me Feel Down.
But Then I Accidently Found Out That Before My Mother Was Pregnant With Me My Farther Cheated On Her So She Cheated On Him Back, Which Ment That The Person I Used To Call Farther Was Probly Not Even My Real Dad.

4.Brothers + Sisters.
My Little Brother Gets Bullyed At School Alot.
My Oldest Sister Bullys Me + Gets Very Obssested Over Small Matters.
My Middle Sister Is Beautiful But Dose Not Agree + She Gets Very Down Over How She Looks.

All That Has Happend In My Life I Have Turned To Self Harming.
Doing This Makes Me Feel Safer, Stable + Very Relaxed In My Soul.

Kayleigh..

I Feel That Natasha Has Had A Worse Life Then Me +I Feel So Sad For Her Most Of The Time. Yet, When I Was A Child I Had No Friends And The Only Person Really Trusted Was My Granny. I Told Her Every Thing And She Would Listen And Help Me Afterwards. When My Granny Died After Having A Heart Attack I Felt All Alone And Like I Had No One To Talk To.
It Took Me A Very Long Time To Get Over Her Death..This Meaning A Few Years. Because Of This I Didnt Talk To Many Of The Other Children In My School Because I Felt Like No One Cared. When I Started To Make A Few Friends I Started To Become A More Happy Child, Until I Found The Horrible Bunch Of Children. They Would Think Of The Meanest Things To Say To Bring Me Down. The Few People I Thought Were My Friends Then Changed And Used Things I Told Them Agenst Me..Even Things About My Granny.

I Learnt How To Deal With All The Immature Lil Gits And Move On, But I Guess Some People Never Change As I Still Got Bullied Alot And In The End I Started To Self Harm But Not As Bad As It Has Turned Out.

I Have Recently Found Out A Auntie Of Mine Has Cancer And Its One Of The Worst Things In The World. She Hardly Knows Me + I Hardly Know Her But Thats Not The Point. If She Dies Then Thats One More Death To Add To A Long List Of Family Members That Have Died And Some How I Dont Think Im Gonna Be Able To Handle It.

Natasha + Kay..
We Have Both Had Very Bad Experiences That Have Led Us To Self Harming. We Both Feel That Life + Love Are A Form Of Death!
Love Is A Word That Is Miss-used Because Love Never Last But It Never Ends Like Life + Death.
If You Want To Share Experiences Or Critisize Our Views Please Do So As We Are Very Keen To Homologate (Accept) What Ever You May Think.x

Natasha + Kay were unique, two friends that chose to write to me together and seperately. I havnt heard from them since April, but I choose to believe that is because they are doing fine.... I will try to include all their past posts ....abz

Friday Readers Story

Anonymous said...

i started cutting when i was 11 at first it would be the once a month or longer at first it was only with glass then when i went secondary skool people picked on me i felt like i didn't want to live and i tried to commit suicide not by cutting at the time i didn't no it could kill u if u went deep enough i tried to kill myself by wrapping my dads ties around my neck and pulling but removing it at the last minute it felt great tho sometimes i took pills sometimes i would lay under the bath water so i couldn't breath hold pillows on my head.

Then when i was 13 my nan died and cutting seemed to make everything disappear so i did it more often then the buzz stopped so i cut hard and deeper into my arms i regret cuttin but am also addicted just like others

I'm now 17 and trying so hard to stop when i get the need to cut i sit in front of my family because i cant do anything if they are there they don't no about any of this its never gone too far i am good at hiding my secrets and have been hiding them for years now i seem to be good at it.

i haven't cut for about a week now its not long to u but it seems like a life time to me i am proud of myself because of how long iv gone without but when i look at my arms i hate myself even tho I'm stopping cutting the odd one i do now seems to be more serious to me because I'm not only cutting my arms or legs anymore I'm cutting at my wrists I'm scared i will cut deep like some of the cuts on arms and legs because i don't want to die i never have i just want some one to see my pain but they never do.

i want to stop this but its so hard iv been doing it nearly all my teenage life

from t x

Fridays Readers Story

Anonymous said...

Hi
I'm 14 yrs old and have cut myself since I was 10 years old this wont be helpful in the slightest because I can't help others understand this as I don't even understand it myself. I think the reason I started doing it was because I felt I deserved it, I thought I was worthless. But then it progressed into an addiction, it sounds pathetic, I'm addicted to cutting myself.

I have stopped cutting for about three months before, and I started to feel bad about everything, stuff happened with my friends and I just got back into the routine of hurting myself again. Last year it got really and I couldn't think of anything other than cutting, even when I was happy I didn't feel I deserved to be so I'd cut myself. I have stopped pretty much now, not completely, I am trying to. The last time I hurt myself was last night, but before then it was about two weeks ago. It doesn't sound long I know. But as I was doing it around three times a day not that long ago I think I'm dong alright.

I don't go to a councilor although I have considered it before. I also suffer from problems with eating, not an eating disorder I just have a strange relationship with food and I have since I was young. My parents recently found out about the self injury. They told me that I could go and talk to someone if I thought it would help. I said no, as I didn't want to talk to them about it, I was ashamed, and I felt terrible. I'm sorry for this as it isn't helpful in the slightest.

xx

Supporting A Self harmer

It's difficult to know what to do and say when someone close to you is self harming, it may be that they won't let you help at all or aren't ready to stop.
Do:

• Educate yourself about self harm read books and resources;
• Self harmers are not attention seekers; they hurt themselves because they are in distress. If they want to talk about it focus on the underlying issue, not the symptoms (i.e. not the cutting);
• Accept how you feel about self harm, you may need help dealing with the situation, try support groups, helplines or counselling;
• Show you can separate the person from the self harm and that you love that person. "The best thing that my friends did was just being there for me and helping to support me as I was going through some tough times," explains Abbey;
• Show them that it is safe to talk openly about their problems to you, but dont push them if they do not want to. "The one thing I can think of that helps is just having someone to hold me when I'm upset," says Aimee;
• Listen, but also show an interest by asking questions, to make them realise you care about them. "Quite a few of my friends know that I self harm, and they realise that the best way to help is to never have a go at me, says Kirsty. "They just talk to me and make sure I am honest with them";
• Try and help them to work out what their triggers to self harm are and how they can find distractions instead when they feel vulnerable;
• Help to find other sources of support help groups, counselling, newsletters, forums and websites;
• Get them to keep a diary where they can write down how they are feeling and make notes of when, how and why they self harm;
• Allow them space, privacy and trust. "The best thing to do is to keep a distance," says David. "Make it clear that you are there for them but dont be pushy."

Don't:

• Ignore your friend; treat them as you would usually. Be supportive, patient, respectful and understanding.
• Shout at them, freak out, threaten them with ultimatums, judge, condemn or stereotype all these things are hurtful and will not help. "The worst thing people did was to tell me to 'snap out of it' and that 'you are crazy for cutting'," Abbey reveals. "They would tell me that they were going to lock me up and throw away the key if I didn't stop";
• Take it personally they arent trying to make you feel bad/guilty;
• Try and get them to stop self harming immediately, it will be difficult and they may not be ready to stop. It is a survival mechanism, so instead of taking it away suddenly, it should slowly be reduced by setting smaller goals at their own pace in their own time. "The worst possible thing you could do is to use emotional (or other) blackmail to get the cutter to stop - it makes the desire stronger, and it makes the cutter feel even more guilty for feeling like they need to," David says.
• Panic if it appears that your friend self harms more while they are trying to deal with their problems, it is a scary time for them but they can get through it.

[taken from: The Site]

Psychotherapy & Dealing With Teen Depression

Psychotherapy plays an important part in the treatment of a depressed teenager. For those parents who may think that being in a slump is something that their teen can just shrug off, here is where you may be mistaken. The despair and prevailing sadness that a teenager may experience from depression is a serious matter. If a parent were to simply wait for his or her teen to shrug it off, that parent could be waiting for nothing.

The important issue to remember here is that when a teen is suffering from depression this may not be the only problem he or she is faced with. In fact, a crucial problem that any depressed person may face is suicidal tendency. This is precisely why active help and steps in treatment of the disorder are vital.

Getting to the root of a teen’s depression

When a depressed teen is undergoing psychotherapy, the issues which lie behind his or her disorder are being addressed. A psychotherapist may want to talk with him or her about his or her feelings in different situations. By getting to the root of a teen’s depression the likelihood of it resulting in suicide is greatly reduced, if not eliminated. It is vital for a depressed teen to be in psychotherapy because it gives him or her a chance to air out the negative feelings he or she may be keeping inside.

This gives the therapist a chance to correct any misconceptions that the patient may have about him or herself, or life in general. Instead of leaving these misconceptions to brew negativity within your teen, he or she gets a chance to release them.

Talk therapy

Talk. Talk itself can be a very therapeutic activity. By having your troubled teen speak with a psychotherapist you are also engaging him/her in an activity where you are sure that he/she will not be isolating him/herself. When dealing with a disorder such as depression, any activity that can keep the patient from isolation or loneliness can be helpful.

Once the issues behind your teenager’s depression are addressed in psychotherapy, he or she may face a smoother road to recovery. Without the therapy, you are not certain that your troubled teen’s issues are being dealt with or just tucked away inside by your teenager.

Taking that first step to recovery

At first it may be scary for you and your teen to seek professional help, but it is an empowering step to take. By acknowledging that he or she has a problem and getting help, he or she is taking his or her first step to recovery.

[Link:Troubled Teens Info]

Helping A Friend or Family Member Who Is a Self-Harm'er

No matter how you look at it, self-harm scares people. It is very hard coming to terms with the fact that someone you care about is physically harming themselves. From the depths of your own fear and helplessness you may feel frustrated if you are unable to get the person to stop hurting themselves which can further drive the person away.

Some helpful tips in dealing with someone who self-injures

* Understand that self-harming behavior is an attempt to maintain a certain amount of control which in and of itself is a way of self-soothing. Think of it as a way to relieve pain rather than inflict it.

* Tough as it may seem, this isn't about you and how you feel (save that for your own therapy) its about the friend or family member who is hurting. Statements such as 'look at what you are doing to your mother, father, brother' etc are useless and damaging. You cant make a SH'er feel more guilty than they already do.

* Let the person know that you care about them and are available to listen ... then Listen, Listen, Listen, ... don't fill the gaps with meaningless chatter (usually as you are uncomfortable with what you are hearing) often silence and a hand held says more than words.

* Encourage expressions of emotions including anger, sadness.

* Spend time doing enjoyable activities together, its not all about the act of SH, just being there for someone is supportive (distraction)

* Offer to help them find a therapist or support group.

* Don’t make judgmental comments or tell the person to stop the self-harming behavior – it's not a priority. Finding other ways of relieving distress and in due course working on the underlying reasons is whats needed. People who feel worthless and powerless are even more likely to self-injure.

* The person needs support and not punishment or threats of abandonment unless they stop the behaviour.

* Focus on the persons strengths & positives always. Don't minimise what they are saying, 'oh you'll be fine.' etc.

* If your child is self-injuring, prepare yourself to address the difficulties in your family. Start with expressing feelings which is a common factor in self-injury – this is not about blame, but rather about learning new ways of dealing with family interactions and communications which can help the entire family

* Don't disempower the person by trying to take decisions out of their hands and making choices for them. Help them to explore options but don't take over.

* Don't minimise why they are hurting or what triggered them and focus on the SH, they need to be heard and not judged.

These points are for using if a someone near has disclosed that they self harm or you may bring it up if you see there scars, bandage etc. Chances are if you can ('normally' they may be hidden by clothing etc.) But if you can see them, ask they may respond. A simple statement of 'I'd like to understand' is often enough. Again I can't emphasis a non-judgemental approach. If you choose to do this be aware of your own feelings & body language.

In this there is no 'right' way but there are ways to minimise the distress to you or the person who SH. I hope these points help. If you have others that you know of please leave a comment. Each little piece helps.

[taken in part from Help Guide.Org]

Friday Readers Story

Anonymous said...

Ive been cutting since I was 11 and I'm now 17, at first it was the one in a month then as I got older it got worse. It all started because I lost 2 of the most precious things in my life and now I do it because I get upset and don't how to deal with it.

I tried to stop I last about 3 months without cutting but then everything just kept building up and I cut again.

I hate what I do it looks horrible but I have no way stopping.

I just think last one but then after that"last one" it happens again and again I'm scared to tell my parents if I told people it would affect everything my job my relationships with sisters and brothers.

I don't really have friends or go out because I'm an outsider people at work thing I have a great social life but iI lie to cover up how alone I actually am.

I don't know what to do or how to help myself.

For Others

People who self-harm often get caught up in a cycle of behaviour which is difficult to break.
The cycle is:
Feeling + Self-harm behaviour + Relief +Disgust/depression/shame


Family and friends
• Take care of yourself so that you can help the other person. Promote a greater understanding by accidentand emergency staff so that the person is treated with sympathy and is offered counselling if injuries aresuspected to be a result of self-harm.
• Don’t take the behaviour personally but try and see it as a symptom of distress.
• Don’t turn away, instead try to educate yourself about the disorder. Acknowledge the pain that the person is going through.Try and talk about what is happening without being judgemental or angry.

Link QLD.Dept Health (pdf)

Medical Treatment For Self Harm

There may be sometimes when the individual requires medical treatment for their self harm. If this is the case the individual should expect to be treated sensitively and with the same level of care and attention as any other patient. (There are a set of guidelines produced for NHS staff to advise them how they should treat people who self harm.)

Unfortunately this is not always the case, and it will help if you are prepared and able to advocate for the person who has harmed themselves. Be aware that going to a GP or A & E for treatment of self harm is most likely going to be a very difficult experience for someone who self harms as this is a very public arena for a very private act.

Try to ensure the individual is given a private area to speak to the health care professional and that they are given a choice in their treatment - even if their choice is one you disagree with.
Any individual who has self harmed has the right to pain relief and thorough treatment for their harm, and should not be exposed to judgment or criticism by the healthcare professional.
If the person is bleeding heavily, has taken an overdose or ingested a substance, take the person to A & E as this could be life threatening. We are not healthcare professionals and cannot give advice on first aid.

A majority of cases of self harm are not serious enough to warrant medical intervention so individuals may never come into contact with healthcare services for their self harm. In these cases it is often beneficial for the individual to manage their own first aid by dressing their wounds and keeping them clean and dry.

[taken from Harmless]

Friday Reader's Story ...

Gayle said...

From the time I was eleven years old til I was seventeen, I would cut myself. a lot. Sometimes it would be once or twice a week. other times when I couldn't handle the stress, it was everyday. It's been eight months since the last time I last inflicted harm on myself by means of cutting/burning.

The main reason is my best friend. It was a particularly horrible day. I was cooped up feeling sorry for myself and taking a negative action. I had taken about ten of my sleeping pills and had completely ripped up my arms with a steak knife. I needed to talk to my best friend just one last time. I remember it was taking everything I had to keep the phone up. She didn't answer her phone & when the voicemail picked up I was crying so hard. I don't think anyone could understand it. I kept saying. "I'm sorry Lizzie I don't know what I did. I'll miss you. I love you Lizzie. please forgive me."

I passed out, the next thing I remember, I woke up in the hospital strapped to a gurney. I was in shock. A few days later on my 17th birthday, I was sent to the state hospital. for therapy. I was there for nearly five months. near the end of my treatment, Lizzie had written a letter to my counselor stating that she kept the voicemail, and that I needed to listen to it..To see how it affected her. My counselor added into my therapy, for me to listen to the voicemail and write a letter to Lizzie telling her how I reacted upon hearing it. It completely tore me up when I heard what I put her through. I couldn't believe I would put that burden on Lizzie. I'm ashamed for what Ive done to my friends and family for being so selfish and stupid.

It's been a few months since I've got home, and I'm proud to say I've stayed smart in my choices. when I need help, I use my coping skills.[music.drawing.poetry.dancing] and if need be, I call my old counselor. I don't wish what I've gone through on any person or their families.

I had intended to keep my story to myself, but I guess something about your post made me feel like it was safe for me to share a small part of how I needed/got help. my piece of mind. Thank you for listening [reading] my story..x.

Gayle.x.

soo foo, so dak. <3>

Written: November 4, 2007