Weekly Update (sorry make that two weeks :)

It has been an emotionally draining week and my mind is full of self doubt. Of my own abilities, my motivations, what drives me.

I write 5 websites, each dealing with specific areas eg, one personal, one private, one on my Great Dane dogs, one on children. This one I write gets the least comments, the least feedback but the one I am most passionate about.

Does anyone even read it, I just dont know, should I continue it? Why am I? Is it of interest to anyone? or just a random collection of information that no body reads? Does anyone really care that children and many adults are hurting and coping in anyway they can or is it only those who the butterfly of self harms wings have touched who care. These are the thoughts that fill my mind but ones I have no answer for.

Weekly Update

I've come through a week that at best could be described as emotionally exhausting. Ive run the gauntlet on the entire grief process, numbness/exhaustion, anger/guilt, denial, tears & sadness.

One thing we often don't take into account with mental illness, etc is that those that live with it become finely tuned to themselves physically & mentally, to body & mind rhythm's, to any changes. I also believe that those who have recovered from adversity, ie drug use, self harm, sexual abuse have an incredible inner strength & boy did I need to tap into mine :)

This week when I recognised that I was going to face a personal/external crisis, of which I had little power, I reacted quickly, it was a definite out of my control situation. I acknowledged I would need strength and decided to work on what I could control. The first was what I ate, so I wiped junk food fast and ate 3 healthy meals (not my norm). I controlled my down time, I got out of the house to nature (even when I didn't feel like it). I created peace where I could at home, candles, soft music, phone off, no tv. It was a week of crisis meetings, accountability, communication overload. So I controlled my speach. I only talked when I had to. I couldn't control my sleep patterns, though I tried, they were shattered. I could however rest and lay down when I could.

I set boundaries with others, limiting negative talk near me. I grabbed my support people and hung on, I sought outside guidance (Important for perspective). These are my coping mechanisms and may not work for everyone. It has taken time and self regulation to establish what works for me. I didn't get here overnight and many things I tried over time haven't worked .

Its a matter of believing 'If I can over come_____________ (insert own catalyst) ie sexual abuse, drug use, self harm' I have the skills and belief to cope with anything. Its identifying what has worked in the past, recognising that one isn't coping, and using that skill again. So that has been my lesson this week, and part of my tuning into myself of a Wednesday is a simple recognition of 'How am I going', what can I change so I feel better with who I am, and where I am.

How do parents view their adolescents who engage in self-harming behaviors?

"Mental health professionals are interested in parents’ perceptions of adolescents who engage in self-harming behaviors. A new study published in the British Journal of Psychiatry (2008) titled, “Parents’ perspectives on adolescent self-harm: qualitative study,” examines this issue. Twelve parents of adolescents who engaged in self-harming behaviors were interviewed. And the results? “Parents commonly suspected and spotted self-harm prior to disclosure or service contact; however, communication difficulties and underestimating significance led to delays in addressing the behaviour. Parents struggled to understand and cope with self-harm.” The data from this study support that idea that parents are often aware of the their child’s self-harm but are unsure of how to intervene.

The Bottom Line: This study supports the idea that parents are often aware of their adolescent’s self-harming behaviors, but lack the knowledge of what to do about it. "

Source:Dr. Jeff's and Dr. Tanya's Blog

God this frustrates me! Does a study of twelve teens have any validaty. Does this one tell us anything we don't know. Im not having a go at those who conducted the study nor the parents involved but to me the money could of been better spent. Yes for mental health professionals this may have been an aspect that they wanted more information on, but if you are going to put the time and effort in, broaden the base you are using to come to conclusions. Then it may be helpful.

Gees...

My Thoughts

Since my time back Ive decided to put a little of me in here and regain some structure to the blog. I have in the past (see tags My View) but not with any regularity so each Wednesday I'll allot some time to myself ... perhaps looking at where I am at, if I'm maintaining a balance, goals for the next week.

As I begin to shake off the grey of the past two months, I look back and it was an inevitable slide. The H.A.L.T acronym taught to me, never get too HUNGRY, ANGRY, LONELY, TIRED as my 'quick check' never even got a look in. Hungry I'm not good at, I eat spasmodically at the best of times, Tired, is often a given with shift work, but instead of resting on days off, Ive been off the Richter.. mainly walking, but where some take the dog for a brisk walk, I can trek for 5 hours (not good) ... as the two months progressed I isolated more (well I was walking the beach...lol) but seriously I withdraw from phones, people, the outside. So mix in the lonely... Angry (tis not my nature) ahhhh but its ugly step sister Depressed?

Bingo ... The trouble is get in this state & you cant see the bleeding obvious....

So my goal for the following week, is to be active in my own well being, listen to my body, regain at least a sleep pattern, and eat more regularly, healthy is not a concern as normally my nutrition is but with more regularity will be my focus. Sounds like simple stuff... but believe me its the basics I can screw up & overlook.

Cover-up Tattoos

"Cover-up tattoos are common; people often get a design, but then change their minds (or partner) and want it covered with another image. It is also becoming more and more common, however, for people to choose branding and scarification to cover up old self-harm scars.

The technique is called ‘body reclamation’ and is meant to put those who have cut or otherwise hurt themselves back in control of their bodies and have a fresh start with no scars. Whether this is good or bad, I can’t decide.

Tattoos are also frequently chosen to cover scars, which can be a very effective method, as you can see from the pictures above."

The above is from 'Trendsetter Magazine'

So whats your thoughts...Mmmm mine, I'm not sure if tattoos would successfully cover scars. or how a tat gun would work with scar tissue.. and I guess would only be successful psychologically if you are a fan of tattoos in the first place. I do have tattoos and quite like them however for myself personally I wouldn't want a full sleeve done so its not for me. Ive also heard of branding being done to cover self harm scars. Since Im trying to cover all bases on self harm, I thought I would include this story. What doesnt work for me, may work for someone else.

Just To Remind Myself

Me Update

Tonight I feel stong, centred, happy with who I am, where I am at in life.

I feel loved by my brother, I don't have a close family and he rang for my advice with his son, It felt nice. I've been working on boundaries, identifying the things, the people, the relationships I want in my life. Ive been reconnecting with people from my past, cutting off those who are not good for my soul.

I've been working on myself, not sleeping as much, getting up earlier, small things like nails, hair. Ive gotten my new tattoo. I'm getting outside with the hound and walking. Tasting, smelling, living in the moment. Making committments with friends and keeping them. Being honest with my Dr about where my head and meds are at.

Ive been away from the computer & am making an effort use a (goddam) phone. Each night Ive rang 1 person who Ive not talked to for a while. This is hard for me. If Im not at work I tend to isolate at home. Weeks can go buy without me being with friends or family, because I don't need people its often hard for me to understand they may need me in their life.

I've been laughing alot, enjoying the fact that others need me in their life. So this is a good period ...

Image:No Angel by =Lunay

Me ...

Getting it done.

Black

How do you describe depression to someone who has no concept, people close try to understand, nod their heads in the right place but have no concept really.

Depression is not blue nor sad...depression is like functioning in a world when your body is floating in honey or glue ... when the smallest thing, most normal things, getting out of bed, showering ... are so far off your radar they may as well be Mount Kosciusko...

Ive watched storms, from a headland, watched them out at sea, build up, black ... slowly rolling towards land... depression is like that, you can feel it coming and do little ... till your engulfed in black.

Depression is noise sensitive, sensory overload, voices of others too loud... too much input, deafening ... you retreating inside, hide, your own inner voice monotone, one track, negative, black but you hear little else. Confusion, but familiarity...

Food has no taste, no purpose, depression feeds itself ... endless weeping, no energy, not just tired but bone achingly worn... Breathing is meaningless, life is meaningless as you turn on yourself.

I releated to this picture very much.

Image: depression by ~echok

Nobody's Victim!

I decided before my teens that I was nobodies victim (although I didn't know that terminology). No-one would touch me, physically or emotionally. I would never be used, my barriers were stone. I faced everyone and everything with strength and confidence. Like waves of heat the 'Don't f*ck with me' attitude proceeded and coloured everything I did. No, I was far from a victim, I had a strength that left even I in awe at times ...

but this strength was outward, a shield perhaps, inside I was dying. As fast as I was trying to heal, I was inwardly killing myself.

In recovery the greatest gift I have allowed myself is to develop inward strength, to be ... this is not a short, quick- fix process. Google self help, and the net crawls with books, offers. Louise Hayes and crew make me puke, but I couldn't have done it alone and its probably taken 10yrs of work. It's hard to explain but my greatest battle is always with myself & what an opponent I can be. I had to choose to live & if I was to do that I needed help.

I'm am never anybodys victim, god I hate that word still. I am me! To say I'm a victim negates all I am, have done & have yet to do. It dis-empowers those who are strong. It holds me back in my childhood, says that is all I am or will ever be. It keeps me emotionally frozen in time. In getting inner strength one step of it is taking responsibility, for my past, present and future. One of my greatest lessons was to learn not to be reactive, but develop coping skills before lifes dramas hit me. It was to take responsibility for myself & the future I deserved.

So don't ever call me a victim ...

[Image: Fencing the hand of fate by ~pyzafive]

Resilience & Strength

I read alot of blogs, papers, publications and its easy to be overwhelmed by others story's & traumas. I have been trying to think of positives of my own situation, it would be easy for me to slip back into the black spiral of negativity. I think, with some time up, I can look back at the character traits I have and see positives. Strength has always been my mantra but the one I want to focus on is
Dictionary:
resilience (rĭ-zĭl'yəns)
n.
The ability to recover quickly from illness, change, or misfortune; buoyancy.
The property of a material that enables it to resume its original shape or position after being bent, stretched, or compressed; elasticity.

Now in 1990, they coined the phrase

Psychological resilience as a term used in psychology to describe the capacity of people to cope with stress and catastrophe. It is also used to indicate a characteristic of resistance to future negative events. This psychological meaning of resilience is often contrasted with "risk factors".

This may seem like the last attribute one would have with my background, I'm hardly superwoman but having lived it, lived through it, and grown stronger I think I'm like cracked china, each little repair making me stronger and able to face what lies ahead. Each new strategy I've learnt is like superglue holding that tea cup together, till I'm stronger than the original would ever have been. I'm not sure if I'm making sense, but without my life history I would not have the insight into myself, have the resilience & strength I now do. It makes sense to me ... :)

I guess that what I'm trying to say, is while you are caught in the spiral, secrecy, shame, guilt or one of the many negative feelings, thoughts or words. Lets face it, it feels like shit! In there though you have an untold, often unrecognised resilience. To cope by cutting, SHing takes an inner strength, if you can tune into that energy and recognise it, you have a resilience of your own that hopefully will shine.

Self Injury Is Functional?

"We must understand that in the trauma survivor, self injury is functional. It always performs some deep, underlying function. Most generally, it’s an attempt to ward off worse harm."– David Calof

Tonight when I read this quote it was the first that resonated for me personally. I suffered a trauma at 11 and left for dead. After the hospitalisation & police investigations ended, my parents solution was to move us from the city & it was not to be spoken of again . Life was good, new home, school, family, horse and dog.

At 13-14 I remember I was in an out of control rage, against myself, family anyone near me. I was destructive, violent, smashing things, threatening others, running away being returned. I began carrying a knife (I still have that habit to this day) I liked that people feared me but I was also frightened of what I was capeable of. I had no way to control what I was feeling ,this rage, let alone understand it. It was raw & pure. I still don't know what triggered it. It alienated my father, who hasnt spoken to me to this day & confused my brothers who loved me.

My parents and the system inflicted school counsellors, psychiatrists, hospitalisations for violence and failed suicides. However I learnt that hurting myself stopped that anger, lessened it, dulled it. It stopped me reacting instantly (if that makes sense) .... It stopped the outward, out of control rage, it stopped me hurting others ...

Until I read that quote I never thought of it as functional or an attempt to ward of greater harm but in reflection thats what it was. At the time I thought I was the only one that was aware. Like the initial trauma, it was something that became not spoken of, secret, shameful. Counsellors all liked the change in me, (I stopped being emotionally honest and faked calm) they and my parents each patted themselves on the back and happily wrote me off as cured. My self destructive life had begun.

It occured to me tonight that after being hurt at 11, I then spent over 20 years hurting myself ... what an incredible price to pay...

ps... the quote is from Cavalcade has specialized in producing training videos for therapists and other professionals working with clients who have a history of psychological trauma.

Alternatives

Harming yourself is not the only way to cope with your feelings. Here are some of the ideas other young people have come up with to find different ways of coping. Some may work for you! A lot depends on thinking about why you are self harming. People often harm themselves because they can find no other way to relieve a feeling of being overwhelmed by intense emotions.

These emotions commonly fall into five groups:

Anger and frustration : Feeling so wound up and annoyed that you want to scream and shout. (in this case animals would claw at themselves).

Low self esteem (punishment): Feeling so undervalued and low that you want to harm and feel you may even deserve it.

Dissociation : Feeling so overwhelmed by everything going on around, you want to escape or distract yourself by making a louder metaphorical noise.

Control and focus : Feeling that so much is out of your control that the only thing that you can control is the harm you inflict on yourself.

Self nurture : Feeling unreal and needing to harm to know you exist, or to help yourself heal.

Young people have suggested alternatives to the emotions above. Ive chosen to focus on anger today, I will post on the other emotions at a later date or you can use the link above.

Anger/ frustration

Try screaming/ crying/ hugging someone. No way was anyone hugging me!, though I have heard of a woman screaming beside train tracks as the train goes past.

Try having a cold shower. My personal fave

Try biting on something like a lemon to give you a sharp sensation.

Try exercising, going for a walk/ run. One of my first strategies with rage was to run, one of my best, however it also put me at risk. I would run at night and I often found myself lost (day or night). I would count my paces (screaming them in my head) & it would physically exhaust me. It helps if someone will pick you up when the rage/urge has passed & your runned out

Try hitting something not alive, for example a pillow or punch bag. I have tried belting a bed with a broom, but I think it was the combined screaming that made this effective.

Perhaps talking to the object you are hitting, explaining what's wrong. I found swearing my insides out rather than explaining worked.

Try making a soft cloth doll, rip/cut it up to represent how you feel instead of doing it to yourself. ??? Never tried this one..if someone has let me know. although i have ripped soft toys apart (you can get them cheap at the op-shop)

Try listening to loud/ angry music, dance/ sing along. Still works for me, but not in initial stages

Try dropping ice into a bath or throwing it against a wall so it shatters, or hit a tree with a stick. You could also slash up a plastic bottle, flatten cans for recycling.

Try making clay models to smash.

Try squeezing silly putty then stretching it until it snaps.

Try talking to someone. Personally I couldnt 'talk' at these times.

[taken from:www.lcet.org]

my comments in red

Ice, Ice Baby ... :)

Long before I knew anything about my why's, or of triggers, before therapy or even understanding that my coping skills were destructive, I knew I was dealing with a physical feeling that I couldn't contain.

I don't feel from 12 onwards that I ever did anger, lost my temper, got cross, I did rage. It was pure & unadulterated, I went from 0 to 100 in 10 seconds. It was frightening for me as I had little memory of these episodes but I knew from the reactions of those around me in the aftermath that it was frightening for them.

I learnt how to control and contain the anger ... but it was at a high cost to me and even more destructive.

Years later one of the first therapists in recovery gave me a list of alternatives to destructive behaviour, ie walk with a friend, garden WTF! Needless to say she didn't last long...lol...

The first alternative for me that worked was ice ... I stocked up on the stuff ... I would put it in the sink with a few inches of water (while the tap run I would run ice over my hands & wrists) I would plunge my hands in till I couldn't feel them ... if the anger surfaced through this I would put my face in or splash it with water. Focusing on getting the water ready, the sensation of cold slowed my thinking quickly. I went from the hectic to the here and now, the urge ebbed ... it stopped the flashes of memory almost instantly... I now know this as grounding

Over time, I abandoned the ice and used cold showers.

There are alot of alternatives to SH out there, and the key is identifying the emotion behind it, your own 'why'. For me it was anger and disassociation. I will bring together articles from the net and do a weekly post on alternatives (on Tuesdays)but I wanted to share one that worked for me and why.... If you have others let us know and we can build up a collection. What works for me may not be so for others and your input would be great as always..... Abz

Fridays

Each Friday, I will feature one of the personal stories that readers have left on my last blog so we build a greater understanding of how each we are all very different people but all dealing with the same 'demons'.

If you would like to email yours I'm contactable on abbey.angeltears@gmail.com, just mark it 'Friday's Reader Story' in the subject line. However I wont personally answer emails.

The point of this forum is to share openly with each other our experiences, strategies and hope ... When reading 'Friday's Reader Story' I hope you will look for the similarities in our experiences. No matter how isolated you feel many of us can relate to each others words.

A large part of SH is isolation, secrecy and having no one understand or relate to. Through these readers stories I hope in a small part to elevate that.

Image:my Nonsense Queen - colored by `zancan

The Beginning

Below is the original post from my first blog. I was tired and angry when I wrote it. I thought someone may come on the site and say they cared or understood these 'kids' Instead this was the photo that accompanied it and the reason many found a way to my site. From that point of contact many wrote honestly on how SH impacted their own life. I hope to transfer those comments here to make it an easier format to read.

But I am indebted to the artist who conceived this work. The photo allowed many to write and voice their opinions, questions, life experiences for others to read. The post created almost 80 comments, which no other has done.

Because it was a post and not an actual blog it was hard for me to consistently monitor so I have created space here.

I hope that others will continue to come and share their feelings and experiences. I also hope to include some inspirational tit-bits I find on the net, photography and perhaps build up a collection of links that will add to what I myself and you know. I want it to be a positive, shared site.

I will try to answer all comments that you leave, and feel free to leave them anonymously if that makes you feel safe. I want to try to make this as interactive and supportive as possible so this will be your site as much as mine but I have waffled long enough.lol...if you have ideas or suggestions on what you would like in a blog let me know.

Blood Instead of Tears

Original, Wednesday, October 24, 2007

In 2001-02, there were 22,530 cases of hospitalised self-harm.

Where the hell is society going wrong! When did we stop listening? What is wrong with the planet, the community, the family...when the only way a child feels she can be heard is to cut her own flesh!

When the only release she has from pain is to slice her arms, her legs. her stomach. When the only safety, the security she knows is when blood flows out of her body.What does it take, How long does this go on before we acknowledge that something is seriously wrong with our society. This is not the child's problem, it is ours, we all have a responsibility to the kids of our world. We need to listen to them, no matter how much we don't want to hear what they are saying, or what defenses they put up, or how hard it is...

Don't give me all the psycho-babble of why they do it! Put some money into sorting it, lets start being proactive instead of just trying to sort it after the event. Pretend it doesnt happen and leave it to others to clean up after them.They need us so very much and often, cutting themselves, is there only way of saying to say it.

[taken from 'Random']