It has been a couple of months since I wrote about my teen daughter’s cutting, and what it was like to be a parent surviving through self-injury. Now I see parents arrive here at MereWisdom.org from time to time with searches that break my heart - for I typed so many of the same things trying to find answers. For these visitors, I offer the following wisdom gained from making a million mistakes in responding to my daughter’s self harm.

For those looking for people who are getting through this, I would point you to my daughter’s site where she wrote to share some of her story of Survival of a Self Injurer. Worthy of note and celebration in this is that she now has nine months free of self-injury, one day at a time.

Caring for Myself and Family

1 - There is nothing I can do to save her or protect her completely - The belief that if I just try harder to protect her, to limit her choices, and keep her safe to get her through this without being able to harm herself further is, in the end, a lie. I had to accept my powerlessness to stop her from harming herself before I could stop dying inside from whether she has or has not self-injured today. It’s her behavior and only she can make different choices.

2 - I did not cause it - I struggled with my own guilt for a long time. A long, long time of second guessing myself, thinking that my own faults and failures ends up, really, only another form of the false beliefs in item one, above.

3 - Her Self-Injury is not the most important thing in my life - She is more important to me than what she does. My son is equally important to me, and can’t be ignored because of constant crises in her life. Self-injury can pull a family out of a normal orbit into a tight orbit only around the self injury. This reinforces the self-injury from my experience, and it harms everyone else now out of orbit.

4 - I needed help for myself and my family and not just my daughter - It’s her behavior, but it affects all of us. More importantly as the family increasingly becomes centered on the self-injury, the more the family systems break down and require conscious rebuilding. Normal systems and family behavior that act as balancing forces for our children and ourselves become reinforcing factors for out of control behavior instead. And as we broke down, it was invisible to us. Outside help is critical.

5 - Learn to live in Daytight Compartments - The notion of “One Day at a Time” is almost a cliche in dealing with these situations, but there is some truth to the idea that just for today I can endure and do the things that I could never do for the rest of my life. For me, the idea of daytight compartments, like watertight compartments on a ship, helped me get through tough times.

Responding to Self Injury

6 - Talk about it - One of the things I did right in this was insist from day one that we would not act ashamed about it and talk freely about self-injury. It is always ok to ask if injuries need immediate treatment, for example. It’s ok to talk about feelings - from my feelings about specific events to her feelings before or after cutting. It’s also ok to talk about other things besides self-injury - there is a whole life taking place at the same time.

7 - Set Boundaries on Behavior - I mentioned above that trying to control her behavior stems from a false belief that somehow I can do it for her. This is one of the broken systems that reinforces negative behavior, rather than balancing or opposing it. Natural consequences are much better. One of the first consequences we had was that all cuts had to be examined by a medical professional within 24 hours.

8 - Build a Team - My daughter’s recovery team became her school nurse, her family doctor, her psychologist and later a psychiatrist. Each of them got a copy of the Bill of Rights for People Who Self-Harm and it made a very real difference in the level of care she received.

9 - Stay the Parent - My daughter at one point was using her self-injury as a point of leverage to take control of the family. She would threaten to cut herself to get herself out of situations, and these tools helped get us past that point. She would threaten, and I would respond that I can’t stop her if she chooses self-injury but then medical care is required, and if self-injury was a part of any behavior contract, then those consequences would happen as well.

10 - Love her enough to respect her decisions - This is the hardest one, and a recent bit of learned wisdom. I think this is because the same need I have to protect her from harm is also in play to keep her from harm by way of her consequences of her actions. This is still an ongoing struggle for me as it is a great theory until I see behavior that is likely to cause problems for yars to come or legal issues and so on. In our case, it meant loving her enough to respect decisions even when the consequences included not living at home for a while, hospitalization, school settings that took her away from music, and so on.

Brilliant post written by James at Mere Wisdom, I thoughly recommend his site

Fridays Readers Story

Anonymous said...
I have been self harming for 4 years now. i began because i couldnt cope wih my parents divorce but then stress from other things influenced it too such as exams and family problems.

I met this boy when i was 14 and i managed to stop cutting for 4 months. i thought i was 'in love' but then the relationship got really violent and i started again because i couldnt tell anyone he was hitting me. i was ashamed in what i was doing but got made to feel that i deserved it. in my mind i wasnt good enough for anybody and deserved all i got including self inflicted scars.i saw a support worker for a while and with her help i managed to finish with this boy and eventually get my life back.

i have had many other things going on within the last year such as putting up with my mums drinking and her abusive boyfriend but i blocked this out of my life when i moved to a boarding school in the summer. i thought this allowed me to disconnect myself from my family and start fresh. in january we started a new term and i began to disconnect myself from my life at boarding school too. i would skip meals, and just lock myself in my bedroom, often doing nothing. thinking. cutting.

eventually i cried for help but i was treated as if i wanted attention. all i wanted was help because i knew i needed it. within the last month i have taken 6 overdoses and constantly cut myself.

i dont want to die, i want to stop feeling the way i do. i want to be able to socialise but i cant bring myself to it.all i can think about is harming mysle and alhtough i dont want to, i lose the strength and willpower. i managed to get an appointment with the gp, they want to put me on medication to sort the way im feeling but i just feel as if its too late.

Self Injury Is Functional?

"We must understand that in the trauma survivor, self injury is functional. It always performs some deep, underlying function. Most generally, it’s an attempt to ward off worse harm."– David Calof

Tonight when I read this quote it was the first that resonated for me personally. I suffered a trauma at 11 and left for dead. After the hospitalisation & police investigations ended, my parents solution was to move us from the city & it was not to be spoken of again . Life was good, new home, school, family, horse and dog.

At 13-14 I remember I was in an out of control rage, against myself, family anyone near me. I was destructive, violent, smashing things, threatening others, running away being returned. I began carrying a knife (I still have that habit to this day) I liked that people feared me but I was also frightened of what I was capeable of. I had no way to control what I was feeling ,this rage, let alone understand it. It was raw & pure. I still don't know what triggered it. It alienated my father, who hasnt spoken to me to this day & confused my brothers who loved me.

My parents and the system inflicted school counsellors, psychiatrists, hospitalisations for violence and failed suicides. However I learnt that hurting myself stopped that anger, lessened it, dulled it. It stopped me reacting instantly (if that makes sense) .... It stopped the outward, out of control rage, it stopped me hurting others ...

Until I read that quote I never thought of it as functional or an attempt to ward of greater harm but in reflection thats what it was. At the time I thought I was the only one that was aware. Like the initial trauma, it was something that became not spoken of, secret, shameful. Counsellors all liked the change in me, (I stopped being emotionally honest and faked calm) they and my parents each patted themselves on the back and happily wrote me off as cured. My self destructive life had begun.

It occured to me tonight that after being hurt at 11, I then spent over 20 years hurting myself ... what an incredible price to pay...

ps... the quote is from Cavalcade has specialized in producing training videos for therapists and other professionals working with clients who have a history of psychological trauma.

Friday Reader's Story ...

Sophie said.....

I am a self-harmer and to answer your question, we do it because it brings a sense of release. The main reason why i do it is because it helps me disconnect with the real world. My parents are not the ones to blame. to be quite honest there is no-one i can really "blame" as such.

I have had a good life, but a year ago my life was turned around by something that happened to my boyfriend. He felt that his life was not worth living and he took his life, ever since he did it i have been cutting my arms, stomach, chest and legs. I dont do this to die, i do it to escape from reality. I have the word ALONE carved into my forearm and on the 15th of every month i re-open the wound. because i feel so very alone without him.

[Written:November 4, 2007 9:24 AM ]

Thanks Sophie....x