"We must understand that in the trauma survivor, self injury is functional. It always performs some deep, underlying function. Most generally, it’s an attempt to ward off worse harm."– David Calof
Tonight when I read this quote it was the first that resonated for me personally. I suffered a trauma at 11 and left for dead. After the hospitalisation & police investigations ended, my parents solution was to move us from the city & it was not to be spoken of again . Life was good, new home, school, family, horse and dog.
At 13-14 I remember I was in an out of control rage, against myself, family anyone near me. I was destructive, violent, smashing things, threatening others, running away being returned. I began carrying a knife (I still have that habit to this day) I liked that people feared me but I was also frightened of what I was capeable of. I had no way to control what I was feeling ,this rage, let alone understand it. It was raw & pure. I still don't know what triggered it. It alienated my father, who hasnt spoken to me to this day & confused my brothers who loved me.
My parents and the system inflicted school counsellors, psychiatrists, hospitalisations for violence and failed suicides. However I learnt that hurting myself stopped that anger, lessened it, dulled it. It stopped me reacting instantly (if that makes sense) .... It stopped the outward, out of control rage, it stopped me hurting others ...
Until I read that quote I never thought of it as functional or an attempt to ward of greater harm but in reflection thats what it was. At the time I thought I was the only one that was aware. Like the initial trauma, it was something that became not spoken of, secret, shameful. Counsellors all liked the change in me, (I stopped being emotionally honest and faked calm) they and my parents each patted themselves on the back and happily wrote me off as cured. My self destructive life had begun.
It occured to me tonight that after being hurt at 11, I then spent over 20 years hurting myself ... what an incredible price to pay...
ps... the quote is from Cavalcade has specialized in producing training videos for therapists and other professionals working with clients who have a history of psychological trauma.
At 13-14 I remember I was in an out of control rage, against myself, family anyone near me. I was destructive, violent, smashing things, threatening others, running away being returned. I began carrying a knife (I still have that habit to this day) I liked that people feared me but I was also frightened of what I was capeable of. I had no way to control what I was feeling ,this rage, let alone understand it. It was raw & pure. I still don't know what triggered it. It alienated my father, who hasnt spoken to me to this day & confused my brothers who loved me.
My parents and the system inflicted school counsellors, psychiatrists, hospitalisations for violence and failed suicides. However I learnt that hurting myself stopped that anger, lessened it, dulled it. It stopped me reacting instantly (if that makes sense) .... It stopped the outward, out of control rage, it stopped me hurting others ...
Until I read that quote I never thought of it as functional or an attempt to ward of greater harm but in reflection thats what it was. At the time I thought I was the only one that was aware. Like the initial trauma, it was something that became not spoken of, secret, shameful. Counsellors all liked the change in me, (I stopped being emotionally honest and faked calm) they and my parents each patted themselves on the back and happily wrote me off as cured. My self destructive life had begun.
It occured to me tonight that after being hurt at 11, I then spent over 20 years hurting myself ... what an incredible price to pay...
ps... the quote is from Cavalcade has specialized in producing training videos for therapists and other professionals working with clients who have a history of psychological trauma.
4 comments:
When I read what you said about spending 20 years hurting yourself, it reminded me of something a therapist once said to me.
I referred to myself as stupid and he said, "Didn't you tell me your step dad used to call you that?" I said yes and he goes, "Oh, so you're just carrying out the family tradition?"
I hadn't looked at it that way before. Of course I wasn't able to stop thinking of myself as stupid just because of one comment from my therapist---but it did give me food for thought.
By the way, thanks for the comments you left on my blog . . . may I add you to my blogroll?
Hi there Beautiful Dreamer, Of course you can add me, I cheekily added you, so I could find my way back, like Golidocks and breadcrumbs...
I don't recall my father ever saying negative things about me, that was soley my mothers role. But like you the words mixed to become my inner voice that I used on myself. And I was similarly surprised when it was pointed out to me ...
That I handed over my 'power' to someonelse, because of someonelse's actions for 20yrs is something I still stuggle with, but I am healing... :)
wow that quote is powerful.
made me realise that so much of what i've done to myself is a reaction to what other have inflicted upon me, also that it is/was a way to protect myself from more hurt or pain.
xx
I think because of the shame of the trauma, the stigma attatched to self harming you have a sense that something is wrong with you. When I read that quote HF&L it put it in the perspective of 'No, it served a function' and it definitely serves to stop pain or from hurting yourself more, if that makes sense.
Im glad you related... the trick for me was to teach myself (with help) how else to deal with that pain, and not in similar destructive ways ie, drugs, alchol, eating/not eating etc....
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