Depression 101

One of the hardest things in dealing with depression, for me, is guilt. With people who don't understand, family, Dr's. friends. Even friends who 'understand' lose patience.

To make an appointment and keep it, to go to the supermarket, to others is a simple task and when I cant do these things my mind goes into overdrive. I question why I cant do such simple tasks, why I have let people down again.

I avoid phones, the door as it will just be someone wanting more than I can't deliver, conversation, coffee. What others take for normal is so out of my depth with the my mind is fogged.

My sister rang last night (accidentally picked it up), no big deal, good Friday. 'Did i want to go to church then have dinner at hers' No, can't, busy, work, evasions etc....

Next question... 'are you drinking again' (instant frown tone in her voice)

Here leads to self medication.. fancy term for getting drunk or stoned. For trying to balance emotions, depression, voices, doubts, prescribed medication with whatever will shut off your mind. So that becomes the primary concern for everyone. Its easier to deal with addiction than depression. I don't want to let people down, seems to go with the territory though. Then each plays on your mind till it seems insurmountable. My husband, children, friends.....

My husband came, 'Dont do this to the children again' ... more guilt.. Like I have a choice & each barb he so accurately throws keeps me here. My daughter says symathetically, 'just walk the dogs mum' each tiny guilt grows like a heap of bricks.

No one understands how much it takes to just sit in the sun when your so bone achingly tired.

To want to live life but have no idea how to reconnect, to have so many, yet still be alone ...till you lose the will to.

You just want to be left alone...

I have been diagnosed with chronic depression for two years...This spiral took 3 weeks ... I dont know how to get back to reality