Changing the Thoughts

Feeling good about yourself (even on the bad days) can take some work but that doesn't mean that it has to be hard work or even that it will take a long time to achieve. It all starts with changing the conversations you have with yourself (or self-talk). To put it another way, it is silencing that voice in your head that says you aren't worthy, that no-one likes you, that no-one will understand, that no-one cares. It is the voice that knows your worst secrets and uses them against you.

If you listen to that voice for long enough, you start to believe what it is saying.

So where do you start in changing the conversation?

A good way is to become your own best friend. This means talking to yourself in the same way that you would talk to your best friend. Imagine that your best friend came to you feeling upset about something - perhaps the way they look, how they went in an exam, something that a friend had said to them, etc.

How would you react? Would you have a go at them, and tell them how completely ugly and stupid they are, or what a loser they are? Most likely, you would listen to them, try to help them change their situation, or look at it differently. And you'd try to convince them that they really are OK, even though they may not feel good about themselves at the moment.

Now think about how you would treat yourself if you were in that situation. How would things be different?

To start with, you would probably be much kinder and fairer on yourself. You would see yourself in a balanced way, and you wouldn't focus on and exaggerate your perceived flaws. If you made mistakes you would forgive yourself without putting yourself down. If someone treated you badly you would stick up for yourself, and not tell yourself that there must be something wrong with you. You would also spend more time encouraging yourself, and accept that you are not perfect, while knowing that neither is anyone else.

When your friends come to you with a problem you probably often help them by pointing out other perspectives on their situation. Without even being aware of it, you probably often help your friends to challenge their negative self-talk by logically arguing against it (e.g. 'Yes, but you're good at lots of other things! ...You didn't do well because you didn't study - not because you're dumb!').

The secret is to do this for yourself as well. And if need be fake it until you make it. It sounds silly but try standing in front of the mirror and telling yourself the opposite of what the voice is "I am beautiful", "I am loved", "I can do it" and even if you don't believe it as first, try to act as if it was true.

It takes some practice, but it is worth the effort.

Reference: Reach Out!